May 6, 2015

Happy, Go, Lucky!

It was several years ago, around 10 at night, when this one guy I barely speak to texted me. ‘Hey, still awake?’ he asked. I can still remember vividly how I got butterflies when I read his text. He was the guy from my English class, and well… He’s my crush (obviously you can tell!). So after several minutes struggling on what to reply, I finally decided to just sent a simple ‘Hi’ and ‘What’s up?’. Then the conversation went on, just like that.

He was initially trying to ask me about the homework, but that was just about one round-trip of message. That’s it! The rest was him asking about…… my friend; my popular and beautiful friend. Yes, you read it right. I think you know where this story is going. This is the story of my (first) unrequited love!
I know that was the first time my heart got broken. I was hurt. Real bad. But I stayed anyway. I kept replying his texts and answering his stupid questions about my friend’s favorite color, favorite place to go, and so on. I know I was stupid.

And at the end, he said, ‘Jessica, you’re so nice! I really love talking to you. You know what, you’re a happy go lucky person! You’re the shit! :) :) :)’ Yeappp, with three smile emoticons. Just when I was about to reply it, another text came in. 'Eh, don’t get it wrong, the shit actually means good! It was like you’re the next big thing. You’re the shit! It’s just a saying, you know.’ At that time, I really felt like shit, literally. Not only he broke my heart by saying that I was NICE and he LOVED talking to me (which was definitely meant as a friend), but he also insulted me about the you’re-the-shit thingy. Dude, I have known that phrase for ages! Pffttt… Now that I’m thinking of it, he’s really a douche bag. He’s the shit, LITERALLY!!!
Anyway, let me get to the actual point of this story.

Am I really a happy go lucky person? Urban dictionary defines happy go lucky as someone who is cheerful about most all things and has positive view on life, also someone who likes to annoy the shit out of her friends, and just be a peppy shithead.  To think about it, I was indeed a happy go lucky girl! Ever since I was little, I have already known as a happy kid. I loved to smile, I laughed a lot (and loudly), I was originally a bit shy, but still, I made friends easily. For me, life’s a very attractive wonderland, very colorful and beautiful. In short, I was happy. But yes, those were all in past tenses. As time goes on,  I came to realize that life is not always fun. Sometimes life’s hard and disappointing. Let me tell you, my early twenty is definitely not an easy time. I’m still learning the hard way to accept it. There were times when I can’t even smile, there were times when I feel like dying. I lost hope. And I lost track. It’s hard for me to accept that my life is no longer bubbly and colorful. I’m still processing, even until this very right second. But now I know… I can’t be stressing life.   

People often asked me about what I wanna do in the future, what my dream is, what I wanna be. And my answer will always be ‘I don’t know’. Then they will start to lecture me about the important of dream, and I will pretend to listen, with several nods to look convincing. 

Quoting from my favorite TV Series, How I Met Your Mother, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans." Yes, life is short. It is so damn short! For me, the point of living life to the fullest is not to be sad, not to overthink, not to mourn, not to complain, not to wonder about the ‘could’ve been’, not to frustrate. The most important is to be happy! I will always cherish every second of my life. I will always do what I want, no matter what people say. I have my own way in enjoying life. I won’t fucking plan what will I do tomorrow. I won’t fucking plan how my life suppose to be. I will just let it flow and be happy!

Maybe, just maybe, plans are not for everyone. And so are dreams, ideals, purposes, and goals.
Maybe I just want to live my life like before, by being happy go lucky. I want to be cheerful about most all things! I want to always have positive view on life! I want to be a peppy shithead who is always excited living day to day! I want to be happy!

So, make sure you read this before you ask me ‘What’s your dream? What will you do in the future?’. Cos I don’t want to be busy making plans and ended up missing the whole adventure of a happy life :)

Care to enjoy the ride with me? :)

The happy-go-lucky girl

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