November 29, 2015

Love Yourself

It's almost year end and I start to think of my life. And if there's one thing that I can highlight from this year is that I should love myself more. Why, you ask? Now here's why...

These past months have been so depressing for me. There are times when I almost believed that I wouldn't even able to live the next day. My days and nights were filled with hatred, fear, but mostly tears. Crying inside the toilet during lunch break at office? Checked! Crying in the mall? Checked! And checked! (Yes, did that twice already.) Crying before sleep? Checked! 

It's like I'm having a mental breakdown. I might seem happy. But I've been hurt. Real bad. People keep hurting me like I am not even entitled for happiness at all. Then I start asking,... What's happiness anyway? Everything in this life is just so temporary. 

They said happiness should come from yourself so that it can never be taken away. Because if you depend your happiness to something, or someone, well just imagine how your life will be when that thing or that someone is gone. Happiness comes more easily when you feel good about yourself, and that's the exact thing I don't have right now; good feeling about myself.

Long story short, I have been unhappy. Very very unhappy.

I keep living this unhappy life because, sadly, I accept the life I think I deserve. 

I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to be loved by others.
I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to have a perfect job.
I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to live a happy life. 

I used to be ignorant about life. To be sad, to be happy, what's the point? My goal in life is just to live it day by day, to survive each passing day with no drama. But now that I think more about it, my ignorant behavior has been so unhealthy. 

So that's why I have to start loving myself. I need to believe that I deserve to live a happy life, without depending my happiness to something or someone in particular.
Sorry for this galau and so-drama-queen post. Just wanting to express what's in my heart coz I have no one to share (and no one will understand too anyway). Also sorry if there are too many grammar and sentence structure mistakes. I usually check my writing for 5-10 times before posting it. But I don't even re-check anything this time. So, well, this is kinda like my original writing.


Xoxo,
Jess

September 8, 2015

Better Version of You

Being a very impatient person when it comes to YouTube ads, I always get annoyed whenever I cannot skip them. But to be honest, this one ad I'm about to tell you guys is totally mind-blowing I didn't even skip it! It only took me less than 20 seconds to be emotionally attached to this ad. It's not some touchy or heart-melting ads like those Thai ads you often saw being reposted on your Facebook timeline. For me, this one is more like a personal reflection ad.

The video started with an unexpected meeting of 2 long-lost friends. It's been 10 years since the last time they met and the guy said to his friend, "You haven't changed at all!" Boom! Guys, that sentence right there, is the whole point of this ad!

Have you ever think that the sentence 'You haven't changed at all' is actually really bad?

This ad teaches us that surely those are not the words we want to hear from an old friend. After several years parted, we would love them to say "Hey, I almost did not recognize you!" instead of "You haven't changed at all!" Because to be honest none of us are willing to stay the same, and none of us are willing to stay at the same place forever. We all want to change, to move forward! We want what we have today to be a foundation for what we will create tomorrow. And at the end, we all want to be a better version of ourselves, to be able to achieve our dreams in the future.

You can watch the video here:



For those who know me personally, you must have known what kind of person I actually am. Probably I'm your most stable friend ever. My life is basically just a series of repetitive events, like super flat with nothing interesting in it. When people ask, "How's life, Jess?"  My answer would be, "Nothing much, same old same old." Ask me today, tomorrow, next week, next month, next year, I guarantee that you will always get the same answer from me. 

Now, do I want to stay the same forever? To be the person with no dreams, no future plans, no nothing. Do I really want to have this flat life for as long as I live? Living day by day doing the same routines, no excitement, nothing to look for. To be honest this really confuses me...

This one friend of mine once asked me, "What's your value in life?" Then I answered, "What the heck, I don't even know it. What's the point anyway?" Then he concluded that my value is no value. My other friend said that the problem is I haven't found my true identity (which explained my happy-go-lucky post where I said I never think of the future & only want to live in the present).

Between me and you, I honestly don't want to be this version of me. Yeah, this kind of life actually bores me, big time! I want to wake up feeling excited, to go to work doing the job I love. I want to befriend with so many people, chilling and hanging out with different groups of friends every week. I want to be exhausted for not having me-time. I want to have hectic week where home is more like a place for sleep-crashing. I want to experience new things every day. I want to have so many stories to tell that my friends can't catch me up anymore. I want to do things I really love, not some shitty routines. I want people to tell me how much I've changed, even though it's just been a while.

The thing is, I really don't know where to start. I'm trapped in this situation where I'm forced to accept the fate and just do all things I'm doing now. I really want to runaway, or maybe do that eat-pray-love thingy and meditate somewhere by myself. Hoping to get some enlightenment in this near time, coz time flies and I need to get going asap. Or I'll end up dying in desperation. Lol.

Just like my other posts, my writing has no conclusion. And it's kinda anti climax. Whatever.

Xoxo,
Jess

July 7, 2015

All About Your Heart



I don’t mind your odd behavior
It’s the very thing I love
If you were an ice cream flavor
You would be my favorite one
 
My imagination sees you
Like a painting by Van Gogh
Starry nights and bright sunflowers
Follow you where you may go
 
Oh, I’ve loved you from the start
In every single way
And more each passing day
You are brighter than the stars
Believe me when I say
It’s not about your scars
It’s all about your heart
 
You’re a butterfly held captive
Small and safe in your cocoon
Go on you can take your time
Time is said to heal all wounds
 
Like a lock without a key
Like a mystery without a clue
There is no me if I cannot have you
 
:)
 
I super love this song, especially its sweet lyric!
 
Xx

May 31, 2015

Infinity

Pic from: http://demondash.tumblr.com/

Driving in full speed
Singing along to your favorite song on the radio
Smiling and laughing together
Passing through the underpass
Seeing those beautiful city lights
And at that moment, I swear we were infinite....
I am genuinely happy to see your happy face

Being in love is one of the best feelings in the world.

I don't know how love works. But I'm pretty sure love has the ability to consume you. In just a blink of an eye, without you even realize it, love can get into your whole body. And after a little while, you will be addicted to that sweet drug called love.

I love how love is consuming me.


May 8, 2015

No, it’s not the thought that counts. For me, it’s action. Because one who cares, will always try best to make it happen!

May 7, 2015

"How do I know I love you? It’s a feeling I can’t hide. It’s the way I always miss you when you’re not by my side. It’s the warmth I feel whenever I stop and think of you, and the happiness I get from the sweet things you do. I know I love you in a hundred different ways."


May 6, 2015

Happy, Go, Lucky!

It was several years ago, around 10 at night, when this one guy I barely speak to texted me. ‘Hey, still awake?’ he asked. I can still remember vividly how I got butterflies when I read his text. He was the guy from my English class, and well… He’s my crush (obviously you can tell!). So after several minutes struggling on what to reply, I finally decided to just sent a simple ‘Hi’ and ‘What’s up?’. Then the conversation went on, just like that.

He was initially trying to ask me about the homework, but that was just about one round-trip of message. That’s it! The rest was him asking about…… my friend; my popular and beautiful friend. Yes, you read it right. I think you know where this story is going. This is the story of my (first) unrequited love!
I know that was the first time my heart got broken. I was hurt. Real bad. But I stayed anyway. I kept replying his texts and answering his stupid questions about my friend’s favorite color, favorite place to go, and so on. I know I was stupid.

And at the end, he said, ‘Jessica, you’re so nice! I really love talking to you. You know what, you’re a happy go lucky person! You’re the shit! :) :) :)’ Yeappp, with three smile emoticons. Just when I was about to reply it, another text came in. 'Eh, don’t get it wrong, the shit actually means good! It was like you’re the next big thing. You’re the shit! It’s just a saying, you know.’ At that time, I really felt like shit, literally. Not only he broke my heart by saying that I was NICE and he LOVED talking to me (which was definitely meant as a friend), but he also insulted me about the you’re-the-shit thingy. Dude, I have known that phrase for ages! Pffttt… Now that I’m thinking of it, he’s really a douche bag. He’s the shit, LITERALLY!!!
Anyway, let me get to the actual point of this story.

Am I really a happy go lucky person? Urban dictionary defines happy go lucky as someone who is cheerful about most all things and has positive view on life, also someone who likes to annoy the shit out of her friends, and just be a peppy shithead.  To think about it, I was indeed a happy go lucky girl! Ever since I was little, I have already known as a happy kid. I loved to smile, I laughed a lot (and loudly), I was originally a bit shy, but still, I made friends easily. For me, life’s a very attractive wonderland, very colorful and beautiful. In short, I was happy. But yes, those were all in past tenses. As time goes on,  I came to realize that life is not always fun. Sometimes life’s hard and disappointing. Let me tell you, my early twenty is definitely not an easy time. I’m still learning the hard way to accept it. There were times when I can’t even smile, there were times when I feel like dying. I lost hope. And I lost track. It’s hard for me to accept that my life is no longer bubbly and colorful. I’m still processing, even until this very right second. But now I know… I can’t be stressing life.   

People often asked me about what I wanna do in the future, what my dream is, what I wanna be. And my answer will always be ‘I don’t know’. Then they will start to lecture me about the important of dream, and I will pretend to listen, with several nods to look convincing. 

Quoting from my favorite TV Series, How I Met Your Mother, “Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans." Yes, life is short. It is so damn short! For me, the point of living life to the fullest is not to be sad, not to overthink, not to mourn, not to complain, not to wonder about the ‘could’ve been’, not to frustrate. The most important is to be happy! I will always cherish every second of my life. I will always do what I want, no matter what people say. I have my own way in enjoying life. I won’t fucking plan what will I do tomorrow. I won’t fucking plan how my life suppose to be. I will just let it flow and be happy!

Maybe, just maybe, plans are not for everyone. And so are dreams, ideals, purposes, and goals.
Maybe I just want to live my life like before, by being happy go lucky. I want to be cheerful about most all things! I want to always have positive view on life! I want to be a peppy shithead who is always excited living day to day! I want to be happy!

So, make sure you read this before you ask me ‘What’s your dream? What will you do in the future?’. Cos I don’t want to be busy making plans and ended up missing the whole adventure of a happy life :)

Care to enjoy the ride with me? :)

Xoxo,
The happy-go-lucky girl

Clean Slate


Hello there!


I 'm back on Public Affair! Yeay!
 
After long thought of deleting this blog (and actually did it several months ago),... here I am again. Being as inconsistent as the way I always am, I've decided to revive my Public Affair (again, lol).

You might have noticed that I've made some changes here and there and I'm hoping this blog can look fresher and of course better! P.S: I have also deleted some embarrassing posts. So, (hopefully) no more unstable me with childish posts. Haha!

From now on, let’s hit the reset button. Clean slate, baby! ❤️


Xoxo,
Jess