It's almost year end and I start to think of my life. And if there's one thing that I can highlight from this year is that I should love myself more. Why, you ask? Now here's why...
These past months have been so depressing for me. There are times when I almost believed that I wouldn't even able to live the next day. My days and nights were filled with hatred, fear, but mostly tears. Crying inside the toilet during lunch break at office? Checked! Crying in the mall? Checked! And checked! (Yes, did that twice already.) Crying before sleep? Checked!
It's like I'm having a mental breakdown. I might seem happy. But I've been hurt. Real bad. People keep hurting me like I am not even entitled for happiness at all. Then I start asking,... What's happiness anyway? Everything in this life is just so temporary.
They said happiness should come from yourself so that it can never be taken away. Because if you depend your happiness to something, or someone, well just imagine how your life will be when that thing or that someone is gone. Happiness comes more easily when you feel good about yourself, and that's the exact thing I don't have right now; good feeling about myself.
Long story short, I have been unhappy. Very very unhappy.
I keep living this unhappy life because, sadly, I accept the life I think I deserve.
I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to be loved by others.
I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to have a perfect job.
I don't love myself that much to think that I deserve to live a happy life.
I used to be ignorant about life. To be sad, to be happy, what's the point? My goal in life is just to live it day by day, to survive each passing day with no drama. But now that I think more about it, my ignorant behavior has been so unhealthy.
So that's why I have to start loving myself. I need to believe that I deserve to live a happy life, without depending my happiness to something or someone in particular.
Sorry for this galau and so-drama-queen post. Just wanting to express what's in my heart coz I have no one to share (and no one will understand too anyway). Also sorry if there are too many grammar and sentence structure mistakes. I usually check my writing for 5-10 times before posting it. But I don't even re-check anything this time. So, well, this is kinda like my original writing.